In my job as a baby whisperer, I know how important it is to teach our kids about healthy emotions!

From toddler age onwards parents must begin teaching empathy and how others may be feeling. Including the needs of others. Omitting this essential teaching means we risk raising a little selfish beastie!

Empathy is never achieved by chance

If we omit to teach our kids empathy by age 6, they will never acquire empathy.

Scary isn’t it? Well no, not really, because it’s easy to teach and you’re probably doing it anyway. As I always say keep working at it and it will make an appearance.

screen-shot-2016-11-06-at-3-39-37-pmThis blog came from a client problem as a lot of my blogs do. Jack was 15 months and wanted to help, especially in the kitchen.

A toddler from 18 months onwards loves helping you do housework. They love to vacuum, dust and help you in the kitchen. It’s part of modelling positive helping behaviours.

Elicia, a friend, sent me this article about toddlers and this need for empathy. I felt it deserved a share and a big thank you, Elicia.

“Toddlers are impossible. Everyone knows this. They are selfish and solipsistic. They are awful until they turn 2, at which point they become terrible. They have big heads. Literally. A roomful of toddlers is like The Lord of Flies, but with shorter running time.

IMG_1567Everyone knows this. But everyone is wrong. And in the final week of How Babies Work, it seems fitting to look beyond infancy—to look at what changes when babies become toddlers. Among the most notable changes is that they begin to help, to cooperate, to share—they exhibit what psychologists call prosocial behaviour. In recent years there’s been a rush of research on the development of prosocial behaviour and it suggests that toddlers have a serious publicity problem. In study after study, they act not as the spawn of the devil but as good Samaritans.”

When the situation is clear enough—when it isn’t a scrum in the sandbox—toddlers can be charitable and deeply generous. They will willingly work together with adults on new tasks. Volunteering to help out when an adult drops or is missing something. They will share food; sometimes even sharing toys. Responding empathetically to someone in distress.

If you have a toddler, such negative descriptions may make you despair. Your toddler doesn’t act like this, no matter how much you tell him to share! So stop telling him to share. And you might notice that your little ego-driven toddler is already helping out in his own way.

This prosocial orientation is fundamental to what makes us human. “No matter how much you try to socialize your cat to be prosocial, it is just not going to happen,” says Celia Brownell, a psychology professor at the University of Pittsburgh. “The nicest, smartest cat in the world is never going to do that.”

IMG_5939But being prepared to become prosocial is not the same thing as being prosocial. At a year of age, babies are socially intrigued by other babies. “They smile at each other, they pat each other on the head,” Brownell says. “But they also often crawl over each other, knock each other down, and if you put them all in a room, they’re like ships passing in the night.” They act not unlike cats. Being prepared isn’t enough.

“Whatever it is that’s prepared is prepared to develop within this cradle of rich, social engagement,” says Brownell. Her work focuses not on the innate origins of prosocial behaviour—what we get for free—but on how it develops through daily social experience: “The baby is embedded, enmeshed, in this incredibly rich, active social world. We just ramp that up over the course of infancy.”

A wonderful study out of Brownell’s lab shows how toddlers, over the course of the second year, slowly climb up the scaffolding adults provide. In the experiment, an adult provided a toddler with cues—verbal, facial, postural—that were increasingly explicit about the problem: The adult was feeling freezing cold. At the subtlest level, the adult said “brrrr” whilst shivering; at the most explicit level, the adult flat-out asked for a blanket.

Our thinking was if children are being socialized and coming into the notion of caring about others, they may differ primarily in how much information they need to implement a prosocial response,” Brownell says. And they did: The 18-month-olds wouldn’t act until the adult had gotten to the sixth of eight levels—mentioning the blanket and asking for help (but not yet asking for the blanket). Only at that point could the toddlers connect the dots. The 30-month-olds helped far earlier, often after the adult said, “I’m cold” (the second level).

This is strikingly different from how precocious young toddlers are at helping adults complete tasks—picking up an object an experimenter drops, for example. In a separate part of Brownell’s study, children of all ages helped much earlier at this goal-directed helping, known as instrumental helping.

This sort of helping relates to visual cues, not inner states, a 1-year-old can recognize these cues. (I wrote about how children begin to understand the idea of goals here.) However, a 1-year-old simply isn’t able to infer an inner state of how they’re feeling. In order to help empathically, she needs to be told what someone is feeling. A year later, though, she’s learned to figure this out on her own.

This perspective undermines a lot of assumptions about how children learn social behaviour. Parents, tend to think  children have to be actively taught how to share, or how to be cooperative. At any crowded sandbox and playground, there is the nervous background hum of parental correctives and directives. It can feel as if, without this paternalistic nudging, the children would break into marauding gangs. And the morning would end with Milo’s head shoved down the sand volcano and his stroller raided for its delicious fruit snacks.

Archie & CooperWhat the work of Brownell and other prosocial researchers suggests is children already understand a lot about prosocial behaviour. Even just after a couple of years in the world. We think we’re teaching our children to help and share. What we don’t know is the children already know this. We’re embarrassingly so out of it. We’re like the parent who sits his teenager down for a talk about drugs—but doesn’t realize his kid is stoned.

This is at odds with how parents think about toddlers because parents are obsessed with sharing. Its true toddlers are not especially altruistic. They don’t want to give up their toy to another kid in the sandbox. But adults don’t like to give up their toys either. And when the task is less monumental—when cooperation or assistance is required, rather than sacrifice—toddlers are far more willing to help. Altruism is the most demanding sort of prosocial behaviour. When we scold toddlers for not sharing toys and then think of them as antisocial monsters, we’re grading them way too harshly.

Besides, a toddler may not even be able to tell what another toddler wants. Young toddlers often need help in order to help, as Brownell’s work shows. And they don’t get it from other toddlers. As Brownell has written, “Peers may be a bit of a mystery, their intentions inscrutable, their behaviour often uninterpretable.” When she studied cooperation among toddlers, she says, “it was clear very young kids couldn’t manage a simple cooperation task within their motor and cognitive abilities—when they had to do it with another kid. They just didn’t get it.” But adults do get it and they can help toddlers get it. That’s partly why toddlers act differently in the lab than they do in the sandbox.

Toddlers pick up prosocial behaviour from the stray moments of everyday life. And once you look for it, you can see cooperation is embedded everywhere. Playing peek-a-boo and rolling a ball back and forth are cooperative acts. So is encouraging your child to “help” in the kitchen, to feed the dog, to sweep the floor. “These are all forms of helping which are absolutely part of everyday interaction yet we just don’t think about. And if we thought about it, it would probably be a bad thing, like thinking too hard about your tennis game,” Brownell says. “It falls apart.”

Having your child sweeping the floor doesn’t actually help the floor. But it helps him: It introduces the concept of helping, and it may prompt him to reflect the relationship between his actions and the needs of others. It’s this crucial “self-other” understanding that is the foundation of autonomous prosocial behaviour, Brownell argues. (Simply telling him what to do seems to be counterproductive, in fact.)

You see this foundation being laid in another study from her lab, in which parents and toddlers read picture books together and talked about the emotions of the characters. When the parents simply labelled and explained the emotions, there was no effect. But when parents elicited the participation of the toddlers—when the toddlers were encouraged to puzzle out the emotions on their own—they were more prosocial.  Even the younger toddlers went on to help and share more.

Here is a list of books helping teach your toddler about empathy:

http://cupofjo.com/2015/11/childrens-books-teaching-kindness-empathy-friendship/

In other words, before a toddler can bring you a blanket, he has to understand you are a different person with different emotions. And what you want and need may be, bizarrely, different from what he wants and needs. What you can see over the course of toddlerhood, and what you yourself unwittingly help with, is him coming into this new knowledge. It’s no small thing. I’m still working on it myself.”

Nicholas Day’s book on the science and history of infancy, Baby Meets World, was just published. His website is nicholasday.net. He is @nicksday on Twitter.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/how_babies_work/2013/05/08/toddlers_learn_sharing_and_cooperation_from_the_environment_not_from_parents.html

So next time you’re toddler wants to help. Try not to think oh they’ll make a mess and discourage it. I want you to try and turn it into a moment to work on that empathy. After all, you’ve only got to the age of 6 to get there!!!!

And if you’re looking for a safe way of getting your child involved in preparing food at mealtimes the fun pod or learning tower may be just the thing! It may save your sanity and create empathy. Another win-win.

6 learning towers for curious kids

Nurture Parenting - The Nurture Sleep Program